Success & Finding My Way Back

The past few years, I’ve grown and changed in ways I couldn’t have even imagined. I’ve had wonderful experiences that have shaped me and changed me as a person. I hold gratitude for them all. Still, there are sometimes I wish I could go back to the old Faith. The old version of me with the precise goals and dreams and timelines I had. The truth is, those things are drastically incompatible with who I am now. Before getting into meditation, before digging deep to consider who I was and what I wanted before the world had any influence on me, God/the Universe/Source (whichever you prefer) began presenting me with opportunities and experiences that would catapult me into a place where I had to begin considering these things and reconciling the person I want to become with the person I was trying to be.

I think things really began to change when I had the opportunity to go to the UN headquarters to participate in the Commission on the Status of Women in 2024. I applied to go as a delegate on behalf of the Episcopal Church as I had experience advocating for garment workers (primarily women and girls in the Global South) through my journalistic and editorial work. At the time, I assumed I would be able to speak with NGO leaders and officials with political power and hopefully inspire policy change to support and protect garment workers. Little did I know, I would be the one changing by the end of the two-week commission. I attended seminars, conferences, parallel events, and side events where I heard from women representing countries and organizations globally. I learned about the various issues disproportionately affecting women at rapid rates—ongoing wars and conflicts, climate change, famine, droughts, lack of access to education and employment opportunities, total suppression and oppression in society, and so on. I simply no longer had a desire to host or publish my own fashion publication after this. It didn’t feel like a priority anymore. I became more concerned with how I might be able to help women and girls access resources and opportunities they need. At this point, I still fully enjoyed writing about fashion and would continue to collaborate and work with small fashion startups and brands. 

However, during this time, I was also working full-time as a contracted employee at a tech company. While the position required a lot of research and I was grateful to learn about environmental and marine conservation efforts while editing content as the tech was often used in these industries, the speed at which I was expected to work and the amount of time I was expected to dedicate to the company drained me completely. I no longer felt creatively inclined (and truthfully, this blog is probably the first creatively-inspired thing I’ve actually felt a desire to work on since). All I wanted to do was go to the beach and read. Well, not even read. I just wanted to breathe and relax and center myself to feel inspired again. It’s been a few years now, and as noted in parentheses, this blog is the first creative thing I’ve worked on since. I am just now finding my footing and beginning to enjoy reading and flexing my creative muscles again; learning new vocabulary, researching different literary genres, learning new languages, and fully appreciating spending time in nature. 

Part of me so, so wishes I could go back to the old me. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post that it was so difficult because I had to put in so much effort as, deep down, aspects of the work I was pursuing did not align with who I truly am. Despite that effort and despite how difficult it could be at times, it felt easier than putting in the work to discover who I truly am and find new ways to pursue meaningful work. I miss being the fashion girlie and going to all the best events in the city. I miss getting dressed up and meeting interesting people and learning about all the various aspects that make the industry work cohesively. But, again, I do not miss the pressure to perform or to put myself out there as public figure to try to get attention for my publication. I don’t miss the pressure of feeling like I had to be at every single event to stay relevant and to keep the momentum going. But I do miss the ease in which I fell into the pattern of doing these things. 

Now, it feels like the great unknown. I’m dabbling in different styles of creative writing. I’m researching topics I care about that could lead to new opportunities (marine conservation, human rights, international relations, history). I am embracing who I was before I became so influenced by the world and influenced by the desire to achieve a certain amount of success (per society’s standards). I am embracing who I am deep down. And she is someone who loves nature, animals, writing, reading, researching, sunshine, road trips, and peace. But it’s so, so difficult at times. While I feel more aligned and know that I am becoming more myself each day, I do grieve the person I was. But I am so beyond thankful to be the person I am now. I think the little me who loved creating stories about mischievous rabbits and spending evenings hiking trails in the Midwest with my dad would absolutely love and be proud of who I am now. The little girl who had yet to have anyone tell her anything about who she could be or what it meant to be successful. And I think maybe that’s the biggest success of all: Finding my way back to who I really am.