It’s been a while since I’ve written something for this blog. I’ve been so busy with academic writing for grad school, I don’t think I’ve had the time. But I have so much on my mind and so much to write about.
First, I did not realize how much pressure I was putting on myself to be perceived a certain way, and I didn’t realize how much I cared about this perception of me. Second, I have always known, deep in the depths of my heart, what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be in the world. And now, finally, I am granting myself the freedom and empowerment to be her. And that is a gift. Third, I did not realize how much importance I placed on what others thought of my writing. I am at a place now where I am learning to not care much about either.
I think I started putting pressure on myself to be perceived a certain way when I realized that perception dictated how I was treated. For example, I noticed that, often, if I dressed up and wore heels, people would hold doors open for me and offer me their time and attention. I assumed this was out of respect. I liked the feeling of being respected. But, if I wore jeans and a t-shirt, this same respect was nowhere to be found. I now know it was never truly respect. Because I would have been respected regardless of what I was wearing or how I appeared if it were ever truly an act of respect and decency. I thought if I did my makeup a certain way or followed certain trends then that would result in more compliments and more friendships and being well-liked. It’s all bullshit, really. I am finding that the more I settle into myself—that is, who I am as a person rather than how I may appear on the outside—the true friendships deepen and everything else just falls away, as it should. I fought so hard to keep people in my life who never wanted to be there in the first place. I don’t even know why. Maybe I wanted attention. Maybe I wanted to think I was well-liked, even knowing, deep down, that the people I surrounded myself with did not like me. I still enjoy dressing up. But I also really like being able to wear jeans and comfy sweatshirts sometimes, too. How does the saying go? “For I contain multitudes . . .”.
I think I was emotionally stunted as a teenager and never learned to fully outgrow it until now. I don’t know what the research says, but I think being ostracized for not liking sports and for being the “weird kid” who sat in the corner reading Shakespeare and writing poetry somehow resulted in me trying to impress people in a continuous loop that I couldn’t even recognize until recently. What I have learned about myself is that I think I am a kind person. I actively try to be kind, and I love people. And I love that about myself. It’s my favorite thing about being me.
When thinking about being kind, nothing else matters to me quite as much. If I don’t get 100% on every single assignment, if I’m not driving a fancy car or wearing all designer clothes, if I don’t have the same social power as celebrities and influencers, that’s all really fine with me, actually. As long as I am kind and maintain being kind, that is the most important thing to me. The truth is, what I want to do, what I have always wanted to do, is work with human rights organizations to make the world a better place. Likely, given my skillset and education, this will be in a communications or policy-centric position, both of which interest me greatly. I think the reality is that anywhere I have opportunity to show kindness and to love others and to, hopefully, impact things in a positive way and create progressive change, I will be happy. I am so happy now. Whether it’s working alongside faculty or talking to security guards or mentoring undergrad students or volunteering at a donations-only cafe, all of these interactions are so meaningful to me as they allow me to be kind and build others up. There is so much negativity on social media and in the world. It is so much easier to be kind.
When I have scored less than 100% on assignments, it hasn’t felt like a letdown or like I didn’t try my best. It feels like I am human. I am learning to be gracious with myself. And patient. I have been meditating daily again, despite my schedule being busier than ever. It’s such an important practice to me, and I can feel myself actively become more myself every day. I feel lighter. Happier. Freer. I wish I would’ve taken meditation seriously when I was younger, but I am so grateful that I do now. The world would be a much better place, I think, if we all took a little more time to be gracious and loving with ourselves and with others.
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